take-u-away

i’m tired, just tired. Too tired to do anything….

One of my favourite songs, which is super emo. Watch out for the lyrics -

Stones taught me to fly,

Love taught me to lie,

Life taught me to die.

How contradicting, yet how true, not everyone can understand this though..

It’s the season of changes again. People change, quite dramatic sometimes. It irks me quite a bit, but i think i’m quite used to it already. He’s always making it that way for me, so much so that i’ve sort of predicted it already. The lucky thing is – you’ve never changed and you have not left me for once, even when i tried to draw back away from you. But you are always there for me, even when the whole world left me, i know you’ll be with me still

I took leave today for my own marathon training, running from home to bishan park, then go through the park 1 round, then continue along the running track along the kallang river towards potong pasir, where my old secondary school is. From there, i go through the potong pasir estate then go along upper serangoon road towards serangoon central, then along lorong chuan, to ang mo kio ave 1 then back home to ave 10. Well, i didnt run throughout the whole journey though, i started walking while i travelled through the potong pasir estate, went back to running along upper serangoon road, but started walking all the way from serangoon central onwards.

Not that my legs can’t take me anymore, but my mind wouldn’t. I’m bored, just bored. I just recalled WBG’s blog about being ready when God wants to end one’s life. So i asked myself this question, if God were to end my life today, am i ready?

The answer is a definite YES! Why? cos i’m bored. What do you do when you find the game you are playing is boring? I’ll stop playing. TV show boring? switched it off. Book is boring? Stop reading and cast it away. I’m not suicidal, just bored. Since primary school to uni studies, i haven’t really been putting much effort in my studies, i was just slacking along, but i never managed to fail any subjects no matter how tough the papers are. I earnestly thank God for that, and i’m sorry that i didnt put in efforts to achieve good results, when i should have. Well, i’m just bored, for a few times during my secondary school days, i felt encouraged to want to be the best in my class, at least in a particular subject. I did tried, and somewhat achieved it, but after attaining it, i don’t really feel any good about it. So i decided not to. The same when i was in poly year 1, i did a lot for my studies, not out of wanting to achieve something, but just of pure interest. That time i even managed to secure a scholarship for my entire 3 years of my poly. But i was diverted of my attention and grew bored of my studies. I just lack the motivation and the something i want to get it badly to make me work for it.

Now that i graduated, i can start pursuing the goals i once had when i was in uni, or rather the goals that make me want to go to uni. But i just feel bored of it. So what if i reached the goals? And i don’t have any motivations to make me work towards my goal to start with. There are many things i want to do, and should be doing, i know i can achieve them, but i am just procrastinating. Because i’m just bored. No, i’m not feeling any emo-ness, or suicidal, i’m just bored… *yawns**. p.s.  I took part in the marathon this year, because i’m just bored, hoping that it can bring me some excitement…

Maybe i should quit my job and become a missionary to some developing countries, then i can see how the people are suffering or working hard for their own destiny, maybe it’ll arouse my heart to start doing something. Well, it’s just a thought, no motivation to do that also, cos i’m bored.

God, if you have nothing more for me, please do take me with you (if that is the case :p), cos i’m bored…. I’m sorry that you have given me so many talents, but i have used none to further your kingdom. Please give me some motivation to get me working…. i’m too unmotivated and bored… *yawns** yawns** still yawning******

It seems like i’m not really suited for my job, not that i don’t like it or i that i can’t do the job. But rather that i just can’t sit still at my desk for long. I just need to move about. And i’m just walking away from my desk like every half a hour or one hour. I’m just thinking – should i go sign on as police. Just thinking…

Gym-ing became a very essential thing for me to do every day after work, and i die die had to go for a workout after work everyday, or i’ll just feel very dead and feel like i’m drowning in my own fats. Once i tried to skip gym for a day to do the things i need to do at home, but i ended up watching video on the internet until late. I feel like i can’t do anything without working out first.

After much procrastination, i’ve finally signed up for the full marathon this afternoon. I just want to push myself for this goal, cos i’m really feeling aimless for the past few months. There are many things i want to do, but i kept procrastinating and did nothing. Guess i’m still brooding over the covenant. I know i shouldnt, but it cant be helped.

I’ve not been a good boy since it happened. I’ve tried the best that i could, but it just didnt work out. Ya, thats just an excuse, but i’m still waiting for God to do something. I know maybe He wouldnt, until i act on it first. But the first step is really the hardest. He’s been kind with me in many different ways, but its just this that i cannot accept. I feel so dead..

Alright, right now i’m just waiting for my transfer to be confirmed so that i can start going to cellgroup again in the new tribe. Hope everything turns out well and what jo said will really happen.

Thank God i wrote this, turning in now…

What is something that touches you deeply? For me, it is the sight of the elderly picking aluminium cans from the rubbish bins, the handicapped selling tissue paper along the streets, the people suffering in hunger and war in darfur…

When i was 16 years old, i was fascinated with what the computers can do, so i enrolled for an IT course in the polytechnic. I haven’t regret that since then. When i received the Lord during my NS, i asked myself what shall i do for Him? What is my destiny and what shall i do in the future? The answer came from the bible. 1. To use what is in my hand, my talent, for He gave each of us a talent, and we just use what is in our hands to do His works. For He will not require of us what He has not given us. 2. “My people are destroyed for the lack of knowledge”. So i look at my hands, what do i have, and what is my talent?

The answer is simply what i have studied for the past 3 years then – the knowledge in computer and writing programs. For i know that the skills i was equipped with is not just for the geeks or for doing business, but rather the organisation of knowledge, and the implementation of technology. I still remember what my lecturer in the polytechnic taught me – that the business is not on the computers but on how computers can help in the daily business. Not just for making money, but helping us to get organised and informed in our daily activities.

But then i wonder, the things i’ve learnt doesn’t really help cos everything i code has to run on the computers which are expensive and not very portable/flexible for daily use(laptops are super expensive that time). Later then i know that of almost all the electronic devices we are using in our daily lives are mini computers of their own – the ezlink machine, digital watch, smart cards, etc. I was just thinking, if i had the skills to create these kind of mini computers, maybe it can be of help in the rural areas, what sort i dunno. And so, i began to grow interest in it and planned to enrolled for a computer engineering course in the uni  instead of computer science. And so the Lord helped me.

My dream then was to use what i learned to help the poor who are not able to help themselves, to get out of poverty. My desire was to go to the developing countries to help the people to get connected to the world through internet and computers, so as to upgrade their skills to be competent with the rest of the world. I think many people thought of helping the poor countries with aid, charity, medical care, food, etc. These are good, however, i believe that doing these can only help in a point of time but not long term. This is just so like normal charities, surviving on the donations of others. If only they can be as competent as the rest of the world, and produce products and service which the world needs and would want to consume, not only do they feed themselves, but they also play a part in the economy, and the needy people will also gain esteem to continue living in dignity. If we were to begin with a small group of people, and when they succeed, they can transfer their knowledge to the other people, and let them benefit and so on… Well, i know this sounds far-fetched and quite impossible, but this is just a dream, no details yet.

And maybe it can be something like the One Laptop Per Child project -> http://laptop.org/en/vision/index.shtml